Anyone and everyone can have those down days, where they don't want to go anywhere, cry, eat loads of food, cry some more. Others can have days like those but worse, like myself, there would be days where I wouldn't go outside for a few days and give up. It was hard and it got very hard and I had to go to different measures in order to keep myself from falling into that slope. One of the worst things that I could do was over think, about everything, literally everything, my face, my weight, my friends, my school/college life, within that too, it went down right to the point where I would think everyone that stared at me physically hated me and wanted to just waste me away. I would think bad things about myself, I would constantly beat myself up if I hadn't done a specific piece of work or I didn't have a shower, I had a bath instead. I was nit picking at myself and I wasted my self esteem away into nothing. It was horrible, my anxiety was sky high, I didn't want to do anything or see anyone.
I was at my lowest in secondary school, when I went to college, I studied acting, my whole life flipped around, I found a passion for something I love to do, however I would still have my down days, but along with college and doing things I loved. When Jesse and I first became best friends we would talk to each other a lot about the shit we have gone through, but knowing someone who has actually gone through something the same as I made me so hopeful and overall just less alone, it was lovely to talk to someone who would share the same emotions, obviously the circumstances weren't so great. But knowing I wasn't alone made me a lot happier to be in the world. Talking to Jesse and growing a friendship and eventually a relationship with her also made me realise that others in my class happened to have similar things and I was able to talk to a few friends about different things. It's safe to say that talking to people has more than helped me, fortunately for me it is okay for me to talk to someone about my feelings and emotions a little easier than others, I know it can be hard to try and open up to someone, but once I did it literally all spewed out of me and I found it a lot easier to talk about things from time to time. I would write a lot of things done to try and express how i felt through there, but sometimes it wasn't enough.
Things still do get difficult for me, and I do have days/moments even weeks were I feel like I don't need to be here, I don't deserve to be here and I am not needed, but instead of thinking about people that may or may not need me, I think about how this feeling this emotion these past few weeks will pass and I will end up feeling a lot better, due to the fact it isn't going to last forever, I have lots of goals and tasks for myself during the days/weeks/months and years and I make sure I take small steps into achieving them, but along with that I always make sure when I hit any checkpoint with anything I am always sure that I reward myself for what I have done. It takes a lot for courage to do things, especially when you have depression and anxiety, I have learnt not to be as hard to myself because I will end up achieving less. The small goals I set myself are enough to get me through, they are achievable ones, but also show a challenge, I have various pass times just to make sure I am not alone with my thoughts too much, I make sure I am social, I don't have many friends only 2 or 3 but I make sure if and when I can, I will see them. Even if it's just a marathon of Game Of Thrones. I never pressure myself into meeting people if I don't want too. I have also learnt it is much better to put my own happiness before others, no matter how selfish it may seem, it is not, it's important to be happy. It is important you are happy, due to the fact a certain person/loved one may not be around forever, but you will be with yourself forever, so maintaing your own happiness and self love is vital.
Do things that make you happy, go out and get pissed, stay in and go on tumblr until you fall asleep with digestive crumbs down you, do what you want to make you happy and with that then go onto others and what you can do to help others.
You are important, maybe not in the world, I know I am not, but you are important to yourself. You matter to yourself, learn to like yourself, maybe even love. Focus on small things and small stages that make you happy. Your happiness will then radiate on others and you will inflect content vibes on others.
I always say to myself when I am down or having an episode, it will pass, it is just a thunderstorm and you are a lot better than you think you are.
It will get better, I promise you, speaking as someone who has (just about) come out the other side, I can assure you. You aren't alone.
Sorcha
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